Summary

Benn applies rigorous mathematical and economic analysis to the watermelon — its superellipsoid geometry, rind-to-fruit ratios, and cost-per-bite — concluding it is the undisputed champion of fruit value at one penny per bite. The essay builds to the question of how much enjoyment a watermelon contains, then undercuts itself: the final line asks whether quantifying pleasure ruins it. It is a playful meditation on what happens when you apply analytics thinking to things that were never meant to be measured.

Key Insight

Applied rigorously enough, analytics can prove almost anything — including that a watermelon is the perfect fruit — but the act of measurement may be precisely what makes the thing less worth measuring.

Spicy Quotes (click to share)

• 5

  It is watermelon, uninterrupted. So pure is the slug of fruit that, if you so choose, you can halve a watermelon into two domes, turn them upside down, and eat them, haphazardly, with a spoon, in any direction you please.

• 4

  Seven liters divided by 15 milliliters is, in a precise bit of magic, 467 bites—exactly, then one penny per bite.

• 4

  Their sacrifice, then, demands a different question: How much enjoyment is contained in a watermelon's weight?

• 3

  Across all fruits, including in forms canned, dried, fresh, frozen, and juiced, the watermelon offers the most volume per dollar spent—and thus, one must conclude, the most moments of enjoyment.

• 6

  Though, look, see—doesn't that last bit ruin it some?

Tone

whimsical and satirical, with a quiet existential undercurrent